Allie,

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
- Astrid Alauda

I guess you can tell by my heading how I'm feeling right about now. It's not anger though i don't hate you. I don't think i can ever hurt you but yeah i am still hurting. Its been close to a year since we broke up but the pain still feels as if it happened only yesterday. I wish i could say that I am happy for you in all your new endeavors but really all i can think about is that used to be me. I used to be the one holding your hand and kissing you in the morning when we awoke. I guess i should be over it because you are happy but all i can think about is what does she have that i don't. Some nights i still cry for you and wonder where we went wrong but then i realize our love couldnt've been that strong or you wouldn't have left me at all. Everything we had just seems to have gone in the trash and now both of us are on different paths and i want to be okay with that. i need to be okay with that. Inside my heart i wish things were different and i wish you still loved me possibly half as much as you love your ex or how you love this new girl but i know things will never be. I try and kid myself that i can be happy with anyone else but the truth is i cant even be happy with myself the way that i am when i am with you. Even when i see you now i wish that i could hug you without feeling as if when i let go my world is going to end. When you touch me i can't help but wonder if you can feel my irregular heart beat as it reaches for you as a child would reach for its mother. Crazy metaphor but honestly my heart hasn't beat for anyone the way it has beat for you. Socrates once said:

"The hottest love has the coldest end."

I always agreed but it pains me today to say that i can relate. We were flawed in our own way yes; but our love foreseen no end when we were in it. I loved you passionately.....Wholeheartedly......with every being in my soul. Yet and still it was never enough.

"The beauty's gone
My time wasn't enough (I'm spendin it all with you)
My heart wasn't enough (I'm givin' it to you)
My money wasn't enough (I'm givin' you all that)
My house wasn't enough (but you live in that)
And now you wanna leave."

It's hard sometimes to see that you don't care the way you used to. Just the other day you wrote:

"Man that Sure Thing song bring back so many memories w/ my ex... But that type of love just wasn't a sure thing 4 us."

What hurts the most is knowing that you officially got over what we had and i have only just begun. You have been able to move on and feel the way you said you felt about me with someone else. Still painful to hear me say it but i guess it is what it is. See i know now that there is nothing i could say or do to change the way i feel or the way you do. I see you changing and progressing. You've become more of a person i do not know but in the same sense a shell of everything i once loved. I once cherished. I loved you beyond your physical, beyond what the rest of the world sees. I loved your mental and your emotional but at times i guess love just isn't enough. We built a foundation on emotional and physical but i guess some where along those lines we forgot to build upon our mental. We lost each other amongst the stars and some how i ended up back on earth and you ended up high on the moon.

The hardest of it all is i will no longer get to say i know you when others question our ties. Though sometimes the lie of "No i don't know her" can simmer the back of my throat like the burning of vodka heating up my soul and when they leave the pain comes back just as it does with every substance. I just wanna say that as much as i wish i hated you and could call you out your name or disgrace your name...... i still love you.Like the first day we met && though i know now it doesn't mean much to you what we had still means everything to me.

"Our love. Though dead and gone. Still lives on though it still beats for its Dear. Sweet. Allie."-Sakeyah U. Bell a.k.a Modern Day Noah