Allie,

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
- Astrid Alauda

I guess you can tell by my heading how I'm feeling right about now. It's not anger though i don't hate you. I don't think i can ever hurt you but yeah i am still hurting. Its been close to a year since we broke up but the pain still feels as if it happened only yesterday. I wish i could say that I am happy for you in all your new endeavors but really all i can think about is that used to be me. I used to be the one holding your hand and kissing you in the morning when we awoke. I guess i should be over it because you are happy but all i can think about is what does she have that i don't. Some nights i still cry for you and wonder where we went wrong but then i realize our love couldnt've been that strong or you wouldn't have left me at all. Everything we had just seems to have gone in the trash and now both of us are on different paths and i want to be okay with that. i need to be okay with that. Inside my heart i wish things were different and i wish you still loved me possibly half as much as you love your ex or how you love this new girl but i know things will never be. I try and kid myself that i can be happy with anyone else but the truth is i cant even be happy with myself the way that i am when i am with you. Even when i see you now i wish that i could hug you without feeling as if when i let go my world is going to end. When you touch me i can't help but wonder if you can feel my irregular heart beat as it reaches for you as a child would reach for its mother. Crazy metaphor but honestly my heart hasn't beat for anyone the way it has beat for you. Socrates once said:

"The hottest love has the coldest end."

I always agreed but it pains me today to say that i can relate. We were flawed in our own way yes; but our love foreseen no end when we were in it. I loved you passionately.....Wholeheartedly......with every being in my soul. Yet and still it was never enough.

"The beauty's gone
My time wasn't enough (I'm spendin it all with you)
My heart wasn't enough (I'm givin' it to you)
My money wasn't enough (I'm givin' you all that)
My house wasn't enough (but you live in that)
And now you wanna leave."

It's hard sometimes to see that you don't care the way you used to. Just the other day you wrote:

"Man that Sure Thing song bring back so many memories w/ my ex... But that type of love just wasn't a sure thing 4 us."

What hurts the most is knowing that you officially got over what we had and i have only just begun. You have been able to move on and feel the way you said you felt about me with someone else. Still painful to hear me say it but i guess it is what it is. See i know now that there is nothing i could say or do to change the way i feel or the way you do. I see you changing and progressing. You've become more of a person i do not know but in the same sense a shell of everything i once loved. I once cherished. I loved you beyond your physical, beyond what the rest of the world sees. I loved your mental and your emotional but at times i guess love just isn't enough. We built a foundation on emotional and physical but i guess some where along those lines we forgot to build upon our mental. We lost each other amongst the stars and some how i ended up back on earth and you ended up high on the moon.

The hardest of it all is i will no longer get to say i know you when others question our ties. Though sometimes the lie of "No i don't know her" can simmer the back of my throat like the burning of vodka heating up my soul and when they leave the pain comes back just as it does with every substance. I just wanna say that as much as i wish i hated you and could call you out your name or disgrace your name...... i still love you.Like the first day we met && though i know now it doesn't mean much to you what we had still means everything to me.

"Our love. Though dead and gone. Still lives on though it still beats for its Dear. Sweet. Allie."-Sakeyah U. Bell a.k.a Modern Day Noah

My Dearest Allie,

Oscar Wilde : "When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one in reserve."
I read this quote and all I could think of was "Damn am I that weakling? Did I not deserve your love?" From the moment I thought I knew what love was I tried to define it in everyone I came across; that is until I met you. There was something about the mere essence of you that made me change my views which I thought was absolutely impossible. I could never understand how I fell so quick or how I managed to let you in without my own knowledge. Now and days I feel like its my own Karma coming back at me for pretending with all others instead of waiting and trying to build and prepare myself for you but I guess at the time that was impossible. Never knew to prepare myself for the inevitable love which was the most powerful feeling that I have ever felt. I remember the ending and the tears and how my world crumbled at my own hands and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't find the words to erase it nor did I know the actions needed to save it so I stood emotion less like a child being scolded and let the cookies crumbled where ever they had chosen. I mean what was I to do scream? Yell? All at the cost of what soar lungs and still a broken heart which couldn't tackle the complexity of the shield you put up to keep me out! To this day I still thing of tactics or obstacles I could have done differently but the truth of the matter is it wouldn't have done anything.
The worst part now is knowing you're happily in love and I'm still stuck finding someone to refill the whole your presence left as if its even possible. Not tryna ruin what you have but I won't ever give up faith that we will be together again. Maybe not now maybe not a year from now but in due time because this heart of mine....it knows where its meant to be. Sadly. Its making me sick knowing someone else makes you smile, makes you laugh, touches you where I should be touching you, kissing you where I kiss you. I know it might sound crazy but believe me I know. I got a sick obsession for that treasure chest in your chest and I can't seem to live without it. I've moved on recently, well apparently not successfully considering the fact that I still think, smell, miss you. I just can't seem to contain the feelings I've once felt or muffle the sounds of your sweet I love you's though they're long gone. I miss you. I Am In Love With You.

Signed,
Forever Waiting Noah

Letter #2

My Dearest Allie,
Today the air smells like the lack there of, of the perfume you can never wear because of your sensitive skin. Oh how I miss that sweet skin I used to kiss when the lights dimmed, Those luscious lips that used to taste like a sip of heaven. I think about you every day. Do you think of me? Do you miss me? I wonder. Feeling like ne-yo "Do you ever think of me anymore, Do You?" Its crazy remember when we used to lay in bed every night, you never knew it but I used to listen to you breath...slow...smooth...sweet. Unless you were sick, then you sounded like a wilder beast trapped under a truck in the middle of Nova Scotia. Lmfao just joking.
I can't believe I love you and not just love you but crazy over the hill in love seeing your face in everyone I'm with regretting anyone who tries to attempt to take you're spot in love with you. Crazy huh? I Know. I wish there was a remedy that I could take to make the memories fade but it would fail because I'd look into your eyes and fall all over again. *Sigh* Its crazy how I feel for you but all the words I wanna say I can't because now you're happy and I'm happy for you, though ill wait. True love never dies no matter how many times you try to refill a spot that's already been filled.

Letter #1

Dear Love,
It's been awhile since ive told you i loved you or held you how i want to; or even made you smile the way i once promised to. I remember how we first met, you came over to talk to my best friend and i tried not to make eye contact with you. There was something about you though at that time i didn't know what it was. Before long i was in your room just hanging out and not soon after we shared our first kiss....
There hasn't been a day that has gone by that i haven't thought about the way you make me feel. It's kind of crazy i never knew i could ever fall for someone the way i have fallen for you. The ending of us felt like Karma in a way. For all the ones i lied to about being in love with. I guess this is what it feels like to be in love and not have the person share those same feelings. Its crazy i never in a million years would have thought that this could happen to me. *Sigh* Whenever i see you my heart implodes every time and it always feels like the first time we kissed. My hands get sweaty, my knees get weak, and i can barely breathe. It's crazy but i'm glad you're happy. Even though its not with me. But know one thing, I will always love you, like the sun in the sky, like the moon at night my heart will always know that you are its guiding light.

Signed,
Inspired by Noah